This review of Jackie Beat: Boner Killer! at The Laurie Beechman Theatre was written by Dr. Thomas Robert Stevens and published in Volume X, Issue 6 (2016) of the online edition of Applause! Applause!
Jackie Beat: Boner Killer!
Written & Performed by Kent Fuher
The Laurie Beechman Theatre
407 West 42nd Street
New York, New York 10036
If you are offended or get upset when someone tells a politically incorrect joke or crosses the line to make fun of necrophilia, pedophilia, incest, or bestiality, then you should literally not be caught dead at a Jackie Beat show. Your upstanding, non-bent friends will think you are a freak and your reputation will be ruined forever. However, if you are prepared to take that leap and hear the most outrageous parodies and jokes that have ever been written, then there is nowhere else you should be when Jackie Beat comes to town. This particular show featured "all-new material" some of which Jackie Beat has not yet fully memorized. As she explained, "you are not watching Hamilton - all that's here is Ham!" She says, "My panties should be arrested for smuggling 100 pounds of crack." Jackie doesn't perform on stage wearing beautiful bejeweled gowns - and she makes no apologies for that. Instead, she wore a conservative cloth dress that looked like she was "wearing the couch - it folds out, by the way." High-kicking dance numbers are also featured but as Jackie said in the voice of an anonymous audience member, "Not that high Jackie! No one wants to see up there!"
Jackie Beat's material included parodies of both rock and country songs. Examples included Penis (a parody of Venus), Puttin' On The Tits (a parody of Puttin' On The Ritz - she's old enough that she has real tits now), Last Night, I Didn't Get No Cock At All (a parody of Last Night, I Didn't Get To Sleep At All), Jackie Blew (a parody of Jackie Blue - yes, she blew Billy at the Petting Zoo), and I'm Gonna Get Cunty (a parody of You're Looking At Country - a part of her new trio of classic country songs by Loretta Lynn & Tammy Wynette). There was also a bit of horror when she warned the audience about Ghost Pussy! Jackie Beat rolled out a video tribute to Cher, who in addition to Carol Burnett, Mary Tyler Moore, and Phyllis Diller, inspired her to become a Drag Queen. Another video made fun of the new bathroom controversy involving gender. It was hilarious! No one is exempted from Jackie Beat's razor sharp wit. Sodomites, Carpet Munchers & Lesbian Vegans Beware! She especially blasted those with "Irony-Poor Blood."
Jackie Beat told us she recently bought a "white noise machine" from Bed, Bath & Beyond. She "used to own a black noise machine but all it did was talk at the movies." As for her method, she explained a lot of what she does "involves tapping into that 8-year-old boy in me - not the one in my hotel room." Jackie did have her "moment of ironic tipping" in the show but after seeing so many singles, she understood why so many of the audience members "remain single." She encouraged people to give by explaining the money would be used "for the children." She promised to use the cash, not for herself, but to buy snacks and a Polaroid camera for the young children hanging out on the street near her hotel. Jackie has a brilliant wit and is able to make fun of almost any situation that is presented to her. After complaining about the air conditioning not being high enough, she tried to wipe off her sweat without smearing her makeup. Seeing it was still on in an acceptable manner, she said, "you can drive a car into a pool - it's not like all the paint comes off." She also tested the lighting. When in a darker light, she saw herself as "young" or, at least, "not ancient." In the brighter light, there could be no other conclusion except "terrifying."
One of Jackie Beat's funniest bits involved her complaints about the new acronym LGBTQA. She said in the beginning, everyone was just "gay." The Bi-Sexuals and Transgender folks decided they'd like to come along for the ride, and before anyone knew it, instead of the acronym making things easier, it included nearly "the whole fucking alphabet!" Now the "Q" has been added for Queer & Questioning people and the "A" is supposed to be for Asexual people or Allies. She'd prefer the "A' just stand for Assholes "so it would include everyone out there." In the alternative, Jackie Beat suggests " we can go back to a simpler time" when they would just call her "F-A-G."
Jackie Beat: Boner Killer! is Eclectic, Educational & Entertaining! Despite the fact she has been in the business since 1989, Jackie Beat is looking younger and more beautiful than ever. She is amazingly witty and riotously funny. There is no doubt, however, she may frighten small children and many adults as well. This is a no-holds-barred show! You have been formally forewarned! The show will not be taped for airing on ABC Family or the Hallmark channel anytime soon. However, the self-professed big and bawdy, bold and ballsy bastard child of "Weird" Al Yankovic and Bette Midler may be performing at a theater near you. Check out her schedule at http://missjackiebeat.com/schedule/ If you are lucky enough to attend a show in person, don't forget to buy a "Jackie Beat Christmas Tree Ornament" (for $25.00) or one or two of her CDs, which at this show she was selling for $10.00 each! I bought two! Jackie Beat is an expert singer and a superb entertainer! Don't miss her next show!