This review of Jackie Beat: The Ghost Of Christmas Trash at The Laurie Beechman Theatre was written by Dr. Thomas Robert Stevens and published in Volume X, Issue 6 (2016) of the online edition of Applause! Applause!
Jackie Beat: The Ghost Of Christmas Trash
Written & Performed by Kent Fuher
The Laurie Beechman Theatre
407 West 42nd Street
New York, New York 10036
Jackie Beat has been coming to town with her outrageous Christmas shows for the past 19 years. A self-described "bitter clown" who is "self-centered" and "full of herself," Jackie welcomes all the "sodomites, fag hags, and carpet munchers" who came to see her show. She even welcomed Middle Eastern "friends" who were in the audience, defining "friends" as "people who are faking it until they blow something up." She acknowledged the "people of color" who were present but bitched that if you "switch the words and call them 'colored people' - you'll never hear the end of it." Jackie asked if there were any Jews in the audience and upon hearing a minor audible response, she told them, "We're in a basement, not an attic; you can make some noise!" She also recognized that "not everyone celebrates Christmas & Jesus" acknowledging that "there were people who killed him; maybe they celebrate that." After hearing some boos, she reminded everyone that the theater should be "a safe place" for artistic expression. However, she did apologize saying she "forgot how seriously people take Jesus Christ - a fictional character - like Jackie Beat."
Jackie Beat: The Ghost Of Christmas Trash was almost named Jackie Beat: Green Legs & Ham because she wore green leotards and looked like a Christmas Ham all wrapped up in a Christmas Tree Dress. With increasing competition from newly minted Drag Queens (coming to us courtesy of Ru Paul's Drag Race), Jackie needs to work harder to maintain her edge. She needs to change her gown halfway through the show and get off-book. Her comments and parody songs about Trump and Melania weren't smart, witty, or entertaining. She also identified people in the audience who voted for Trump and called them "stupid" to their face. She appeared nasty, angry and insulting as if she were suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome. There are many ways to make fun of someone so everyone laughs. In Paige Turner's Holiday Show, she and the girls were taking Trump World Airlines for the holidays only to find out that all flights to tropical and gay-friendly destinations had been indefinitely suspended. That is intelligent entertainment! Calling Melania a tramp and a whore is not funny! She did a little better blasting Vice-President-elect Mike Pence by saying he once believed in Gay Conversion Therapy. Jackie brought a gay audience member on stage and placed an Electric Shock Therapy contraption on his head telling him, "We're going to shock you off that cock tonight." When it didn't work and his favorite movie remained Mame, she told him "sometimes it takes more than one session."
Jackie described a number of sexual acts in one of her parody songs and then told the audience, "No matter who you voted for, I'll do any of those things for money. I'm a whore at Christmas. You can cum on me. Turning tricks on Christmas so I can pay the bills and get a few cheap thrills. I'll lick your balls for just one dollar in a wig and a dog collar. I'll even let you put that thing in my ass. But wash it first. I've got class." Jackie Beat described her Holiday Treat as a Broadway show without any talented people in it. Her "rules of entertainment" are "1) get the money up front; and 2) if something goes wrong, always blame the audience." She also expressed her belief that "drugs and alcohol work: you're no fun if you're not drinking."
Many of Jackie's parody Christmas songs were performed all to the delight of the appreciative, sold-out audience, who will no doubt be back next year to catch her 20th Anniversary Holiday Show. Politically incorrect to the max, she told her audience that "without stereotypes, there's no fucking show!" Jackie Beat performed "Bossa Nova Christmas In Outer Space" which contained the following lyrics: "Loosen your Van Allen belt and shove some fruitcake in your face. The food on Jupiter blows. That's why everyone knows the best place for a party is Uranus. Shoot your rocket in my crater. Let's cut to the chase. Put it in my asteroid and then blast off on my face. Cause it's a Bossa Nova Christmas here in Outer Space." With the information I have provided, you now know whether you are committed to never seeing Jackie Beat perform live or whether you intend to visit her website www.MissJackieBeat.com to buy her CDs and make reservations for her next show.